The Bishop Queer

As published in Kilometer Zero.  Paris.  2000.

37 Rue de la Bucherie

Paris, France 75018


The game began with Ruy Lopez: Variation #23.

White gave up on Steinitz, then left to take a pee,

While Black pondered in the silence, sipping at his tea.

White returned and had a beer.

Black fianchettoed to the rear,

And let his holy bishop cast a long shadow of fear.

But it went all wrong.  The bishop was sweet.

His long beam of love put the game at his feet.

He crossed to and fro, in search of a mate,

And a burning developed that soon he must sate.

And just beyond the heads of white’s three kingside pawns

Black’s bishop found his itch grew mean and randy, thick

and long.

There sat another bishop of the holiest stalwart breed.

A bishop one could only love.  A love so true indeed.

Soon they found themselves so snugly close up tight.

White’s bishop sat on a black square, and black was on a


They fell in love at once and started kissing by a pawn

But with white on black and black on white could never get

it on.

Front to back they were, and back to front remained.

One pace apart for evermore. Their love was thus contained.